Things I Find Very Funny

Just some things that tickle my sense of humour if you don’t like them don’t read them but i will only post those that make my sides split this is the first it was from a jokes section on a forum i visit regularly but i wanted to share it…may be i will have to have a daily joke in Borlova news or a cartoon strip???

e mail from user:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from *Girlfriend version 7.0* to *Wife version 1.0*.
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that
took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, *Wife
1.0*installed
itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as *Poker Night 10.3*, *Football 5.0* , *Hunting and
Fishing 7.5*, and *Racing 3.6** *
I can’t seem to keep *Wife 1.0* in the background while attempting to run my
favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to *Girlfriend 7.0* ,
but the uninstall doesn’t work on *Wife 1.0*. Please help!

Thanks, *

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)*

___________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from *Girlfriend 7.0* to *Wife 1.0*, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. *Wife 1.0* is an *OPERATING
SYSTEM.*.

You cannot go back to *Girlfriend 7.0* because *Wife 1.0* is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under*Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support*. I recommend that you keep *Wife1.0* and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application *”Yes Dear”* to
alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command* **C:\APOLOGIZE* because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway. *

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance*. *Wife
1.0* comes with several support programs, such as *Clean and Sweep 3.0* , *Cook
It 1.5* and *Do Bills 4.2*.

However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program*Nag Nag** **9.5. *Once this happens,
the only way to improve the performance of* Wife 1.0* is to purchase
additional software called *Flowers 2.1* and *Diamonds 5.0* ! *

WARNING!!!** DO NOT* , under any circumstances, install *Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3*. This application is not supported by* Wife 1.0* and
will *cause
irreversible damage to the operating system. *

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Dell Boy in Borlova

Peckham Springs comes to Borlova

Kev the new resident started today to dig the foundations and service ditch
for his new house. The JCB he hired cost him about £160 for the day.
well worth it for 11hrs digging..during digging his services ditch he struck luck
and discovered he is the proud owner of a natural underground spring..with a slight deviation of the ditch
he was able to divert the water into a large natural hole that with even more luck will become a small trout farming pond
The reporter (often refered to in the pub in the uk as dell boy) was there on hand to witness the events and we both being english imediately thought of converting this stroke of luck into cash

thus in true dell boy style we thought to re start the peckham spring theory…whilst the reporter may take on the trout farming.

German and other international tourists flood village

was woken today by the sound of motor bikes this can only mean one thing
 the germans have invaded the village to have a splendid time on holiday
luckily no local swimming pools or sunbeds.well YET..more news on this later as it develops

Work Grinds to A sudden Halt for one local
an unknown resident was seen today walking away from work with a broken hoe/spade/cement mixer/do any thing half moon pick thing with a long wooden handle
a seemingly universal tool….except she had managed to snap her handle and was obviously going to get a new one fitted…more riveting news as it happens

Traffic news
 all moving well no major incidents to report
germans on bikes move though village without incident.

weather report
 today overcast but warm rain is forcast high 23 low 20

Village in Turmoil Blackouts Galore

Village stricken with power cuts

 (local town not so bad )
for the last 4 days we have been without mains power
 which brings one down to earth forgive the pun…
 this means here no cooking except on wood burning agas (or gas for those using bottled gas lucky sods)
and no mains water and hot water for showers
 how long its going to last..is the hot topic the rumours of repairs are spreading inside info says it wont be long
but this is romania…most of the villagers are coping with the situation as normal the only one affected badly is the reporter

Thunder Storms rock the place
we have had thunderstorms for the last week and they still are rife.. we get the odd storm in the uk
 but not as frequent as this, i have never known thunder and rain like this, perhaps its global warming taking place.

Mini Typhoon Strikes village many trees come down
high winds and heavy rain stuck today sending people running for shelter
as the storm happened in minuites,one second sunny and warm the next tropical storm and high winds battered the
trees
Sports news
Fishing report :
Trout coming down stream searching for shelter and feeding heavy on the high waters
brought about by the storms led to a haul of over 20 fish by one local,
 most of which came in around the 1/2lb mark.waters now clearing and catches expected to lower in the next few days

The Tourist Season Hath Started

Well its been a few days since borlova news reporter has been able to report goings on but the tourist season is upon us now so other priorities have taken pecidence. amazing to see we have had 2 english tourists here in romania.. for the last week i have played host to them hence no reporting.. most amazing sights were of locals and farm animals …dont know why but hey it pays the bills…muntele mic baile huculane and timisoara were on the itinerary..as well as caransebes they were onluy here for a week so impossibile to do all romania.so a breif introduction to romanian life from top to bottom was in order.. the haves and have nots as to speak. horse and carts to hummers….

kevs progress.. kev the new borlova uk resident is marking out his turf with twigs.. to see where he will eventualy live..i did assist with this..but with a bit of beer i was absolutly useless..but still i am getting more romanian. kevs still got a year or so to go bless him..more later.. he did avoid the subject of a barbeque at his gaff with the speed of a scotsman…still we can work on that.

other borlova news….

milk lady gets international exposeure as she is photographed by tourists….milking cow…?de che?…germans land in village on motorbikes…salvalamont not informed they are here so who minds anyway……local romanian mechanic solves puzzel for english mechanics..it was a german car so thats our excuse…..florin shaves his head as its been particularly hot for the time of year the girls in the village have yet to give an opinion…..but we suspect they will take the mickey …although he thinks it looks cool..in fact i am considering a similar crop…freakin hot here now we peaked at 38c at some point.and its still spring.eekkk…

Traffic News..

well not much problems to report all traffic moved ok during the week apart from the odd hold up from the sheep goat and cow herds moving through..much to the enjoyment of the tourists who acted like the japanese with cameras flashing as the cows peeled off in formation into their respective houses along the street…

Weather its been a nice hot week topped of with a thunderstorm and some rain but still nice high about 38 c low 28c in the mountain this week was 23c so sunbathing in the mountains..tarcu still had snow but muntele mic is dry as a bone……..

top head lines as they happen … local builder mucks up painting job.. local builder yet unnamed puts more paint on his face and the floor than the walls…next few days i will sort this out and report back.. perhaps i will have to finish the job for him..local mechanic gets beer for effort on broken timing belt..,man fills hole in wall with cement..more top sories as they occour…bye for now spain calling.

post 93 continued

well after the first day getting used to my surroundings in my plush (he hem choke ) private appartmetn in the factory appartments we were taken to eat in the factory restaurant, well the directors dinning room,whilst the rest of the factory were dined in the canteen, (part of romanian traddition now i understand but if you work here it is obligatory you are fed as well by your employer) we were plied with more tuica and beer and sat down to a three course meal comprising ciorba de burta ( i now puke) goose liver and lambs brain cannaloni in a tomatoe sauce and salad followed by snitzel of pork with potatoes.. the latter being ok..never again will i eat ciorba de Burta or translated Tripe soup. it is a romanian delicasy but it is puke stuff i had a friend who fed his alsations on this stuff and could never forget the smell so when i was offered it as soup i nearly reached…in hindsight we were fed then like kings and i appreciate this now but it was a culture shock for me at the time. after our tour of the factory in the afternoon i then began to see how the romanians needed our help with technology…some has changed today but the key word in any romanian construction or manufactuing is improvisation..still true today. the guy operating the overhead crane made it work buy putting two wires together with sparks flying everywhere as he did it.. the button had broken and this was how they got it to work.i could have been transported back to the uk in the industrial revolution in the 1800s excuse my history its crap but even in the early 70s we had health and saftey..the stanley knife blades i had got with me attracted a huge crowd as i cut a piece of valve packing square and with ease… instead of the blunt bit of old hacksaw blade they were using. and stuffing the cut bit of then rag into the valve with a bit of steel and a improvised hammer. as i slid my correctly cut bit in with ease with my fingers they were amazed.

still thats getting technical… needless to say after a few days working with the technical director in the factory he was over the moon and now had more cudos and brownie points than anyone in the whole factory…hence i was invited to join him at his house for a bar b que the last night we were there. in preperation he had slaughtered his pig the day before…and dragged out his best palinka from his cellar…i have to say this was a good experience and today i am still friends with him and his family…

the next day we were taken by emmerson fitapaldi the dacia driver with the dacia with bald tyres and many other faults to the next factory…i have to say i never thought i would get there .. i was so tired i think i must be the only forigner who has managed to sleep in a dacia driven at brake neck speed round mountain  icy roads with bald tyres by a raving loony driver.. still more to come later i must finish this now as i am off to the airport to collect some tourists in the morning at 6am next instalment when i get time

Bar- B – Q Blitz

well Blitzed is more the word, sunday the flower festival was terminated by a barb q here at borlova news headquarters..kev the new english resident was invited with family and we got blitzed in true uk style pint glasses ahoy…followed by lots of meaningful discussions abuot diddly jack….so after 20 quids worth of meat and 20 ltrs of beer all had a good time except the ladies who spent most of the time gossiping and clearing up.after the mess created by the men.. at least bar b ques are internationaly the same? i still havnt worked out what the flower festval was about but who cares i must be getting romainian more by the minuite its a great excuse to have another party anyway.

i am looking forward to a summer of this as we have lots of tourists booked in for the summer but i fear i may get sick of bar b q meat, not the beer obviously…..so cheap and so tasty and so refreshing after a hard days slog chilling out, today we played golf on the grass and put up a tent and then went fishing…lifes hard but somones got to do it…

Borlova Blackout

for the last 2 days we have had intermitent power here thus borlova news has been off line, comical if not anything else but it shows inginuity and takes me back to the days in uk when the lecy meter used to run out and no one had money to put in it, so candles and oil lamps and gas camping stoves where brought out, here its back to the wood stoves which is all the time anyway, but the candles and oil lamps had to be dusted off a bit. the only thing is all the water here is pumped and no lecy means no water in the house so its off down the street to collect buckets and boil on the wood stove.

the political grapevine soon established when the power would be back mobile phones were working at full capacity…and the hedge trimmer (electric) was brought out just minutes before the power came back on how spooky is that…..seems somone had inside information. par for the course here.

Fishing highlights borlova (new topic)

nothing caught today apart from an old black jumper

for the first time borlova news is presenting a sporting news topic,we are starting with fishing…the streams are clear and the fish are well minimal in numbers and reluctant to be caught,however there is a plethera of plastic bottles and clothing just waiting to be snapped up by intrepid anglers..today i snagged a rather snazzy old black jumper must have been at least 3 kgs soaked in water it didnt put up a fight and i landed it easily….i also managed to catch a massive rock but lost it due to the breaking strain on my line…more later as i try lake fishing. less treacherous i hope.

Weather report

hot and humid after the recent storms at night today high 25 low 20 night still a bit on the chilly side slight drizzle. but looking up.

Traffic report: no major problems to report except the freakin idiots building a house half way down the main street, who have decided to take up nore than half the road with sand cement and cement mixer tools chairs to sit on and basically ignoring the needs of other road users. still most traffic moving well.. horses on the loose causing some problems but they are waiting for traffic to pass so no major hold ups anticipated.

thunderstorms eeekkk

today we had some nasty thunder storms i hate them……..so good night….spook they are still freakin me…..arrrrghhh

Roving Reporter Returns

Back from the metropolis

well its been a long week for the interpid reporter in the metropolis of the uk
a well needed visit but a hard one.especialy the journey back 38 hrs by van would have been less but technical problems like a bouncy trailer and flat tyre slowed us down by about 4 hrs 

returning to borlova after a week in the uk has opened my eyes a bit more to why i love this place so much
and how much i miss the hustle and bustle of everyday life in borlova.
i woke this morning to trotting horses and the odd lorry trundleing past.

i will write a full synopsis of my visit to the uk else where. but now i will update you on the latest borlova news.

Borlova gets new resident
 (well just out side the villiage but hes new)
Kev the english guy has arrived to stay for good.
hoorah another english person here,
and much to the amazement of the locals, gossip is spreading fast,and furious as to why hes here.
kev and his fiance and me came back in the dingle bus or (pikey wagon) towing kevs pride and joy his custom car
yet another first in borlova,not the whole village has seen it yet but theres time for that. most of the village has heard the sound system in it though.
Weather report: cloudy and a bit on the chilly side 15 to 17 c
most dissapointing, but sunday is supposed to be better with sunshine forcast.

Pick the daisy flower festival looms,
yet another party excuse methinks only romanians could think of that one a day for partying based on picking daisies. not sure of the significance yet but will trace
origin via asking old person and report back.

First Electric Kettle arrives in village…
yes i brought it back from the uk and it has wowed the residents with its efficiency
and made me a hot cuppa in the process.

Traffic report
early morning rush hour passes without major incidents, slighty worried cyclist narrowly avoids collision with horse and cart
otherwise trouble free.